Monday, May 18, 2009

my dream bathtub (taken circa 2006 @ a million dollar show home)

Last night I was feeling rather fragile & vulnerable. Maybe I am starting to truly unravel? Ha! Maybe. I'm finding that at the end of the day if I haven't taken a little time for myself in the middle of the day, I'm spent. I have nothing left to give. Not even to myself. I started reading one of my favorite blogs which will remain unnamed for this post and she wrote the most beautiful things about her mother and mothering. But for some reason I started feeling inadequate. Lately I've been dealing with the fact that I'm not always as patient and positive as I would like to be. I know I'm a good mother but I thought it would be easier. I thought I would be this positive upbeat force but I find myself being snippy and tired and cranky. Not all the time but more often than I want to be. I can blame it on the fact that I can't remember the last time I had a full night's sleep or the fact that I know I'm not eating the best even though I want to lose weight. Or I'm dealing with stress (or not dealing with stress). But the fact still remains that I need to be more loving. And part of that starts with loving myself. And taking the time for rest. Last night I decided to unwind...I took a bubble bath, read a book, and sipped some hot tea. This morning I got up and decided to visit Proverbs 31 ministries for some encouragement. The verse for the day:

"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside the still waters, he restores my soul." Psalm 23:2-3 (NIV)

The author, Micca Monda Campbell wrote: "Whenever I think of green pastures, I think of warm summer days when my dad and I would lie down on the soft green grass in the yard. We didn't have a care in the world. We simply rested and discussed the floating clouds hanging in the sky. Perhaps your green pasture is a quiet moment in your favorite chair, a walk on the beach, or curling up in bed with a good book."

Obviously last night my green pasture was a hot bath, a book and tea. I also enjoy a nice walk in the evenings and sometimes just going to bed early. What are some of your green pastures?


Small Glimpses said...

What a beautiful and authentic post! i loved every sentence. How wonderful that you took some time to love yourself. I know how very hard this is. I now know (after years and years of not knowing) that this is an important part of the equation.

My favorite green pastures are in the mountains of WY (where I took the picture for my header), BUT since I can't be there my second green pasture here in OK is sitting on my couch looking out our picture window. This is where I sit and journal and it has become a haven for me. (Luckily, my neighbors across the street are fabulous gardeners, so I get to enjoy the view without the work. LOL)

P.S. I struggled with the assignments last week. I only posted one picture of my reflection (which I LOVED mostly because it was really centered on my husband). It was a really, really hard week and I think I just didn't even want to look at myself. I'm hoping to be more gentle this week.

Javajune said...

Wonderful post! I have so many times gone to bed and then felt regret because I didn't spend enough time with my family or say the right things.
My green pastures are the garden, the beach, long walks, taking photos and HGTV.
You are a thoughtful and special person and I've enjoyed meeting new faces while unravelling.

Von said...

I identify with the disappointment in who you are as a mother and you articulated it so well! Top marks for doing something to refuel rather than berating yourself. Your children will be so much better off for you finding your green pastures. Actually, so will mine...must think about this some more and take a leaf out of your book.

Thanks for this post, Amber, and the buoyancy you sent my way. It was kind of you to reach out and it made me smile,

Inside My Shell said...

What a beautiful post! Your words resonated deeply with me - I guess that's because I've been pondering the same questions lately. Wishing you a great time on your green pastures!