fatigue

ocean moonrise, july 2007
major fatigue is setting in. i think all the sleepless nights are catching up. by the end of the day i'm tired and quite fragile emotionally. i don't know if it's all this unravelling business which i'm thoroughly enjoying but man, it makes you dig deep. there are so many other things going on with family and friends too. i think that is starting to take a toll on me. i am so ready to get away from it all.
my husband came home tonight and told me that he may not go on the family vacation this year. some major things are happening at work that he feels he needs to be present for and vacation is getting in the way of that. needless to say that was dissappointing. i felt so deflated because spending family time together is so important to me. i'm a quality time girl. he made the proposal of driving down and spending a few days and then flying back. i will have to take what i can get at this point.

Quote of the Day

I seek constantly to improve my manners and graces, for they are the sugar to which all are attracted. ~Og Mandino

weekend: Saturday

Saturday morning: Tigerlily: sassy and spunky
tall decaf toffee nut latte w/whip and a chonga bagel w/cream cheese. Yum!
reading blogs in my sunlit patio office

lunch: McDonald's Santa Fe salad. Out and about with the kids while the carpets are getting cleaned. Dry cleaning (check) Target run (check) Cranky boy (check)

afternoon: put a coat of Kilz on the shelving my brother made for baby girl's room while the kids are snoozing

evening: grilling hamburgers and baking cookies. Invited the parents for dinner.
A game of Joker. The girls lost :-( Rain falling. Children sleeping. Time to watch some more Alias.

my dream bathtub (taken circa 2006 @ a million dollar show home)

Last night I was feeling rather fragile & vulnerable. Maybe I am starting to truly unravel? Ha! Maybe. I'm finding that at the end of the day if I haven't taken a little time for myself in the middle of the day, I'm spent. I have nothing left to give. Not even to myself. I started reading one of my favorite blogs which will remain unnamed for this post and she wrote the most beautiful things about her mother and mothering. But for some reason I started feeling inadequate. Lately I've been dealing with the fact that I'm not always as patient and positive as I would like to be. I know I'm a good mother but I thought it would be easier. I thought I would be this positive upbeat force but I find myself being snippy and tired and cranky. Not all the time but more often than I want to be. I can blame it on the fact that I can't remember the last time I had a full night's sleep or the fact that I know I'm not eating the best even though I want to lose weight. Or I'm dealing with stress (or not dealing with stress). But the fact still remains that I need to be more loving. And part of that starts with loving myself. And taking the time for rest. Last night I decided to unwind...I took a bubble bath, read a book, and sipped some hot tea. This morning I got up and decided to visit Proverbs 31 ministries for some encouragement. The verse for the day:

"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside the still waters, he restores my soul." Psalm 23:2-3 (NIV)

The author, Micca Monda Campbell wrote: "Whenever I think of green pastures, I think of warm summer days when my dad and I would lie down on the soft green grass in the yard. We didn't have a care in the world. We simply rested and discussed the floating clouds hanging in the sky. Perhaps your green pasture is a quiet moment in your favorite chair, a walk on the beach, or curling up in bed with a good book."

Obviously last night my green pasture was a hot bath, a book and tea. I also enjoy a nice walk in the evenings and sometimes just going to bed early. What are some of your green pastures?

today i am...

a domestic goddess.
As a woman I play many roles in my life. The writing assignment for this week seems like it will be fun (once I start writing). It's funny because my mother wrote a similar entry in her journal once asking the question who am I? She wrote down her list and years later shared it with me. In her case she has many roles or facets that are part of her. She was adopted as an infant yet her birth parents gave her a name which was later changed when she was adopted. She is both of those people but not. I think so many of the roles we play in life are somewhat juxtaposed vs.intertwined with each other in any given environment or relationship. We draw on what we need at the moment. It's hard for me to sometime be mom and artist or student and housekeeper. I'm on a continuous journey of finding balance.

I'm reading the book What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self. In Ann Curry's letter to her younger self she writes:

If you can have faith in your real self, you'll suffer less. You won't waste valuable time that could be spent on more important things....It's time to be bold about who you really are.

Here's to being bold. Cheers!

reflections

Who am I? What am I reflecting to the world around me? I think this is an important question to ask ourselves. Are we being authentic? Keepin' it real? Or are we hiding? Scared? What will other people think of me?

I ask this question because I took this photo the day I visited my grandmother. My uncle lives with my Granny. When he came to live there he seems to have imposed his vegetarianism on my grandmother. Granny is not a vegetarian. Never has been and probably never will be. But when she's around him she a veggie eatin' granny. But when I come to visit...she's a carnivore. It's burgers all around. She sends me off to What-A-Burger for a hamburger. And when my parents visit...it's BBQ or steak sandwiches. All this meat when my uncle's away at work. And I have to wonder if she hides the evidence.

It's funny because I think as a mother I sometimes feel that I shouldn't be allowed to have fun and be creative. It seems to be so superfluous. Like I should just be doing laundry, washing dishes, wiping noses and tushies. Since I started my Unravelling journey I've been the crazy woman carrying her camera around everywhere. Shooting up a storm. But I figure, there are a lot of people doing the same thing all over the world because we're all on this journey together. Some women are really open and raw while others hide just barely getting their toes wet. I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I look forward to getting to know more bloggy friends. I look forward to finding myself. Unleashing my creativity that I've held back for so long.

Here's a few more reflections of my week:

time

Where does the time go? We returned Saturday night from Colorado and the past few days are a blur. Getting back in the swing of things can be exhausting. Catching up on the laundry among other chores is wearing me out. Not to mention that the wee one is waking up twice at night now that her schedule has been disrupted. As I type now she's starting to wake, hiccuping out little cries...hopefully she's just dreaming or else I'm going to have to open up the milk shop.

Time Out!

Time In!

So is anyone else out there having problems with week 2 Unravelling? Eek! At first I thought, "ah, this'll be a cinch...reflections." Was I ever wrong. I think I'm going to have to dig a little deeper for this one. I mean, wowzers, we've got folks being truly authentic and I'm feeling the need to pull back. I don't know why. Any thoughts?

stuff

a well-worn path between the garage and the house

I have a love-hate relationship with garage sales. I've had 3 of them myself and have helped with many more. It's amazing all the stuff we accumulate. Yesterday I helped pull out box after box of stuff to price for my in-laws garage sale. Years and years of accumulation. I was so overwhelmed I didn't even know what box to pull first. My husband worked well through the day and into the evening. We're all exhausted and hoping for people to show up and pay to take the stuff away. This is a very important sale because they are moving. The less they have to move the better.

I did score a few items. A hand-made teapot shaped dollhouse from Scotland. I'm going to clean it up and save it for my daughter. Also a waffle-maker. I've been walking the small appliance aisle of Target for months wishing to justify the purchase of a waffle-maker. Well I guess putting it out in the universe worked because now I have a nearly new waffle-maker for free!

On the down side: I'm accumulating more stuff! Ahhh! All this packing and garage-saling is really making me want to simplify my stuff. I'm a sentimental person so it's hard to let go. But I think it can be freeing if we do let go. Life can feel a little easier if we don't have so much stuff to take care of.

Colorado

I'm here in Colorado and I'm smiling from all the blog love. I love the feeling of community I'm getting from like-minded folks! Yay for digging deeper and using our cameras to do so! Growing up I always felt a little out of place in my group of friends because the things I liked, you know the really meaningful, important stuff like taking a million pictures because that's who I am, didn't always jive with them. I was the one who never forgot her camera. I didn't always feel that they "got" me. That photographing life was part of who I am. I felt a place of belonging once I went to college and stuck my toes in the art department and journalism department. I wanted to be in as many classes that involved a camera as possible. I even tried the technology department which was rather useful. Lots of dark room developing which is where part of my passion lies. I went to an estate sale once and found a dark room built in the person's garage. They were selling all the equipment! I wish I would have taken that opportunity to snatch it up and save it for a future "rainy day". But I digress. Needless to say sometimes I look back and wish I took a different path in college. Why didn't I go somewhere that offered photography as a major? Why did I choose marketing? Why didn't I just go for the gusto and double major in marketing and art? I think I was scared. Scared of what it meant to put myself out there in some form of art. So instead I minored in art and just dabbled here and there. I think I didn't trust myself to be good enough. Good enough for me. Good enough for all the critics and critiques. I'm learning to let that go. We all can offer a different perspective. I'm already blown away by the diversity of the group flickr pool. I can't wait to see where this takes me! What a journey :-)

simple

photo taken Nov 2008 on the way home from Colorado

I am really good at making things difficult when in reality it's all so simple. I've been stressing over my camera and wondering if it's good enough. Scared that there are all these fabulous photographers using high-tech DSLRs. I was moaning and groaning to my husband last night about our digital camera when in fact I should be grateful that I even own one. After I read today's post about the suggestion that you could even use your camera phone, I relaxed a little. I was getting in a tizzy over the unimportant. What's sad is that I do this more than I care to admit. It was passed down to me from my mom. I can see signs of this being produced in my eldest child. I've got to break the cycle.

I've got to set my priorities though. S reminded me that we have refund money but I really need to get a dresser and some nightstands for our master bedroom. This is on "the List".

I'm so glad for Susannah's calm relaxed atmosphere she created in her post today. Stating that we are all different but we are starting in the same place. Love that!

We're heading to Colorado today for a last minute trip to the in-laws. It's more business and no play but I'm hoping the change of scenery to lift the spirits.

1st step

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step ~Confucius


I've been thinking, more like obsessing, over this unravelling journey. I've considered how I'm going to take all the wonderful photographs that I want to take. Do I use my Nikon SLR? This would entail the cost of film and development and the time that takes BUT I would probably get some really nice shots. Or do I use the digital camera that is leaning toward the side of horrid. It takes bad flash pictures usually washing everything out and it has a delay that is maddening. It's pants! Maybe I'll do half and half. I just don't know. I really want this to be a quality experience for me.

I was a little stressed today. I have a little guy that's under the weather and we went to the doctor today. It's viral so we just have to ride it out. My baby girl is showing signs of the sniffles but it could be teething. Needless to say I didn't get a whole lot done today besides holding my boy and my baby. I'm worried that life is going to get in the way of keeping up with the course work. I'm going to have to find a new way...slow down...be present...keep my camera available.

excited*

I am beyond excited about the journey I'm about to take. I've been checking my inbox with a slight bit of obsession as I wait for Susannah's email to arrive announcing all the details. 8 weeks of diggin' deep which may be a stretch when I'm dealing with dirty diapers, dirty dishes, and dirty laundry 24/7. But I need this. I need to do a little something for me. I'm ready to to connect with others and reconnect with myself through the process. As I sit here, I chew on my pinky fingernail giddy with schoolgirl excitement!